My birthday was Friday. It ended up being a very nice one! It was quiet...not many people remembered, to tell the truth. But that was alright. I began to allow my feelings to be hurt over it, but I quickly realized how silly that was and nipped it in the bud!
I was alone for about 75% of my birthday. I "celebrated" the night before because I was having to work the actual night of my birthday. I took myself out to a movie and shopping. It was very relaxing, very enjoyable. My brother and I had a mini-celebration on the actual day; he was so very sweet about the whole thing!
But because I was alone for most of it, it gave me a lot of time to think. Something that is standing out strongly is the fact that I am the age now that my husband was when he ended his life. That is just rocking my world to think about that.
I know he was sick. He made a horrible decision, and while the responsibility does lie on him, he was very sick in many ways. But even with that in mind, I cannot possibly imagine ending my life right now. There's just too much HOPE around me! I'm young, barely mid-twenties. I feel like I've just started my life, how on earth could I imagine ending it when I have so many dreams that can still be fulfilled? Shoot, I have dreams that haven't even been thought up yet!
God is working so much good in my life. We're dealing with my "stuff" so that I don't have to carry it around for the rest of my life. Life is too short to waste time toting around baggage. I don't want to hang on to it. I don't want to be wounded for the rest of my life. I see so many people that are choosing to not only keep their baggage, but are open to aquiring more and more. The thought terrifies me of carrying the past around with me for the rest of my life. I know that I can't erase anything in the past, no matter how much I may want to, but rather than just drag regrets around for the rest of my life, I would much rather deal with them here and now with the One that can redeem and restore.
Life is to live. I only get to be a mortal woman one time, and I don't want to waste it. This time is precious, and I long for God to use to in any way He wants.
