Let Me Not Eat of Their Delicacies

This year I am taking part in a Scripture Memory Challenge through Living Proof Ministries. (Beth Moore's ministry) They have a wonderful blog where I have found such a sense of community. At the beginning of the year, Beth rallied us all together and challenged us to memorize 2 portions of Scripture a month for all of 2009. This immediately resonated with my spirit, and I jumped on board!

Yesterday kicked off the 3rd of the 24 we're supposed to memorize this year. I spend a lot of time searching the Word and praying for God to show me which portion of Scripture He has for me for the next 15 days. I don't want to just memorize random verses, although you can't pick a bad one! I want it to be more meaningful. I want to soak in truths that God has for me concerning specific areas in my life.

Yesterday morning I still had no idea what verse it was that He wanted me to commit to memory for the first half of this month. I had been asking and searching, but although I found some amazing verses that I was happy to claim, I just kept feeling like He wanted something else for me. And boy, did He. Here is what we ended up with:

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies.
Psalm 141:3-4

This is exactly what I needed right now.

I am very frustrated. I am surrounded by worldly, wishy-washy, ungodly people. But here's the kicker - I am surrounded by those who are claiming to be believers!! Please hear my heart in this: I do not look down on any single person who is caught in a pit of sin. I have NO issue with that person, other than I hurt for them and can relate more than they will ever know. So that is not what I am frustrated with. What bothers me is this -- people claim to be of Christ; people claim to love Him and serve Him. But all it is is words. Because other than the words they claim are true, they spend the rest of their energies fighting against Him and His ways. THAT is what frustrates me.

I have been caught in horrible webs of sin. No one has out-sinned me. But listen to me closely here: I hated every single moment of it. Please listen to me again: Not everyone who is living in sin is having a good time! I was absolutely heartsick over the sins I was committing. I spiraled down into a disgusting, filthy pit of self-hatred, fear, and pain. Yes, I made the decisions that I made. But never think that you have the right to judge me until you've walked a day in my shoes. I loved God! I loved Him so much, and I hated myself with just as much passion.

Praise God, the story didn't stop there. In March of 2007, I went on a trip that started a complete change in my life. I went to a Living Proof Live conference in Bossier City, Louisiana. And during that conference I was listening to Beth Moore speak (if you've never heard her, she is such a gifted and anointed speaker. She loves God and wants to lavish HIS love on anyone she comes across!), and she was talking at one point about ridding our lives of habitual sins. I knew that God was speaking straight to my heart.

Later that night in the hotel, I needed time with Him away from my roommates. I went in to take a shower and ended up sitting on the floor of the shower, sobbing my heart out to God. For the millionth time I told Him how sorry I was for being such a failure. How sorry I was for hurting Him the way that I had. How sorry I was for hurting those that I loved by involving them in my sin. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. When I was finally out of tears, I sat there with the water streaming over me, but all I felt was God pouring His love out all over my body, my spirit. He loved me. Even with all that I had done, even with all the times that I had chosen the world or even sin over Him. He loved me. He desired me. He accepted me. He forgave me. And then He called me to His side. He asked me to turn from my sin and hold onto Him for dear life.

And I said "Ok."

Now, it didn't happen instantaneously, but that is to my error, not His. I encountered some harsh opposition (there is an enemy that does NOT want us to turn from our sin), and I caved more than once. But that night started a process in my life that has never stopped.

Because of my sins in my past, because of my weaknesses and insecurities, I have a desperate desire for purity, virtue, and righteousness. In my life there is no room for any gray area. I cannot toy with sin. I cannot flirt with temptation. Or I will go back down where I was. And I cannot do that again. I won't survive it this time, I know it.

And I am frustrated because it means that I have to fight against the rest of my "Christian" friends. I see no purity. I see no virtuous people. I see no one seeking His righteousness. I feel utterly alone in this fight, and I am frustrated.

There is no room for any of that in my life. Lord, let not my heart be drawn to what is evil! Let me not take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers! Let me not eat of their delicacies! Give me a hunger and a thirst for You that surpasses all other desires in my heart. May I love what You love and hate what You hate. May thoughts of You always be before me. Call to my immediate attention any time I allow my mind to entertain sin. I have no room for that in my life, Lord. I only have room for You.