Let's breathe a little life back into this place!

It's aliiiivvvvveeee!

I've resurrected a far too-old blog. I've gone through the older posts and have deleted/archived many, but kept available ones that I thought were appropriate to share. Hopefully that explains the disjointed feel of the blog as a whole.

I think about writing/blogging often. My problem is that I prefer to do it anonymously, so that I can simply say what I want to say, and not censor it for my known audience. I am not, and will not be, one of those people who boast "I speak my mind, no matter what! If you don't like it, don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

That's simply not me. And I'm so glad. I love people. I truly do. They are maddening and infuriating at times, but I love them, and I care about their feelings. I censor things that I say because I am aware of how certain things will come across to certain people. I try to keep their hearts in mind as I talk/write/type/act, and I don't think that's a weakness. I think it's a vulnerability, but not a weakness.

That being said...sometimes I just want to say what's on my heart without fear of reprocussion. This blog isn't anonymous, I opened it up a few years back during a particularly trying time in my life. As far as I know, many people still have the address for it. Some may be subscribed and will be notified of this update. I have no idea. All I know is that this is as anonymous I'm going to get while still being myself. Yes, I suppose I could open up a new blog and hide my name or any specific details about myself. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to hide. I don't need complete anonymity. Just a tad more than normal, I suppose. Grin.

If you glance down through the random smatterings of posts that I have left from earlier years, you'll see the reasoning behind the name of this blog, and some details about myself. But I will update a little.

I'm a woman, in my late 20's. The two most defining aspects about myself are that first of all, I am a follower of Jesus Christ. It's not my religion, it's my life. Secondly, I am a single mother to one daughter. I was married a decade ago, and that began a 10-year roller coaster that I'm still riding. The short story is that my husband died when our daughter was an infant, and I have raised her as a single mother. I have had a huge amount of help from my parents, but I have been her sole parent all of her life.

I'm a serious person. A thinker. Many say I think too much. I'm beginning to disagree. When I say "serious," that is not synonymous with boring or not fun. I've just never been a...silly...person. You know the type. Even as a teen, I wasn't one of the girls skipping through the mall arm in arm with a dozen of my friends. I was back home with my best friend, cranking the stereo, talking until 3 in the morning, and laughing so hard our stomachs were sore the next day. I'm nothing special, but I'm not a simple person. I don't like to take things at face value; rather, I look into the heart of anything and everything and attempt to see it as a whole. I'm definitely an introvert, but don't agree with the negative connotation that word receives. By introvert, I simply mean that I am happiest and most at ease, at peace, when I am with one or two people that I love and trust, as opposed to being in a big group. I don't like the spotlight being on me, but I don't mind attention from those who love me. And I'm even completely comfortable just being with myself. I happen to enjoy my own company. Give me a latte and a good book, and leave me alone. Grin.

So that's me, in a nutshell. But I'm young and new at loving myself, so I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of who I truly am. Stay tuned.

Let Me Not Eat of Their Delicacies

This year I am taking part in a Scripture Memory Challenge through Living Proof Ministries. (Beth Moore's ministry) They have a wonderful blog where I have found such a sense of community. At the beginning of the year, Beth rallied us all together and challenged us to memorize 2 portions of Scripture a month for all of 2009. This immediately resonated with my spirit, and I jumped on board!

Yesterday kicked off the 3rd of the 24 we're supposed to memorize this year. I spend a lot of time searching the Word and praying for God to show me which portion of Scripture He has for me for the next 15 days. I don't want to just memorize random verses, although you can't pick a bad one! I want it to be more meaningful. I want to soak in truths that God has for me concerning specific areas in my life.

Yesterday morning I still had no idea what verse it was that He wanted me to commit to memory for the first half of this month. I had been asking and searching, but although I found some amazing verses that I was happy to claim, I just kept feeling like He wanted something else for me. And boy, did He. Here is what we ended up with:

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies.
Psalm 141:3-4

This is exactly what I needed right now.

I am very frustrated. I am surrounded by worldly, wishy-washy, ungodly people. But here's the kicker - I am surrounded by those who are claiming to be believers!! Please hear my heart in this: I do not look down on any single person who is caught in a pit of sin. I have NO issue with that person, other than I hurt for them and can relate more than they will ever know. So that is not what I am frustrated with. What bothers me is this -- people claim to be of Christ; people claim to love Him and serve Him. But all it is is words. Because other than the words they claim are true, they spend the rest of their energies fighting against Him and His ways. THAT is what frustrates me.

I have been caught in horrible webs of sin. No one has out-sinned me. But listen to me closely here: I hated every single moment of it. Please listen to me again: Not everyone who is living in sin is having a good time! I was absolutely heartsick over the sins I was committing. I spiraled down into a disgusting, filthy pit of self-hatred, fear, and pain. Yes, I made the decisions that I made. But never think that you have the right to judge me until you've walked a day in my shoes. I loved God! I loved Him so much, and I hated myself with just as much passion.

Praise God, the story didn't stop there. In March of 2007, I went on a trip that started a complete change in my life. I went to a Living Proof Live conference in Bossier City, Louisiana. And during that conference I was listening to Beth Moore speak (if you've never heard her, she is such a gifted and anointed speaker. She loves God and wants to lavish HIS love on anyone she comes across!), and she was talking at one point about ridding our lives of habitual sins. I knew that God was speaking straight to my heart.

Later that night in the hotel, I needed time with Him away from my roommates. I went in to take a shower and ended up sitting on the floor of the shower, sobbing my heart out to God. For the millionth time I told Him how sorry I was for being such a failure. How sorry I was for hurting Him the way that I had. How sorry I was for hurting those that I loved by involving them in my sin. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. When I was finally out of tears, I sat there with the water streaming over me, but all I felt was God pouring His love out all over my body, my spirit. He loved me. Even with all that I had done, even with all the times that I had chosen the world or even sin over Him. He loved me. He desired me. He accepted me. He forgave me. And then He called me to His side. He asked me to turn from my sin and hold onto Him for dear life.

And I said "Ok."

Now, it didn't happen instantaneously, but that is to my error, not His. I encountered some harsh opposition (there is an enemy that does NOT want us to turn from our sin), and I caved more than once. But that night started a process in my life that has never stopped.

Because of my sins in my past, because of my weaknesses and insecurities, I have a desperate desire for purity, virtue, and righteousness. In my life there is no room for any gray area. I cannot toy with sin. I cannot flirt with temptation. Or I will go back down where I was. And I cannot do that again. I won't survive it this time, I know it.

And I am frustrated because it means that I have to fight against the rest of my "Christian" friends. I see no purity. I see no virtuous people. I see no one seeking His righteousness. I feel utterly alone in this fight, and I am frustrated.

There is no room for any of that in my life. Lord, let not my heart be drawn to what is evil! Let me not take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers! Let me not eat of their delicacies! Give me a hunger and a thirst for You that surpasses all other desires in my heart. May I love what You love and hate what You hate. May thoughts of You always be before me. Call to my immediate attention any time I allow my mind to entertain sin. I have no room for that in my life, Lord. I only have room for You.

God is in Charge

On November 4th I went to vote. I was explaining the process to my daughter, and I was telling her how exciting and wonderful it was to be able to vote for the President of the United States. She was pumped, but wanted to understand who the President was. She is aware that there are different states in our country (thanks to Nana living 10 hours away!), so I explained him as being the man in charge of all the states.

She nodded, understanding, then looked up at me and said "But Mama, God is really in charge, right?"

Amen, baby. Yes, He is.

"I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me," Isaiah 45:5

"Turn to me and be saved,
all you ends of the earth;
for I am God, and there is no other." Isaiah 45:22

"Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me." Isaiah 46:9

What an age...

My birthday was Friday. It ended up being a very nice one! It was quiet...not many people remembered, to tell the truth. But that was alright. I began to allow my feelings to be hurt over it, but I quickly realized how silly that was and nipped it in the bud!

I was alone for about 75% of my birthday. I "celebrated" the night before because I was having to work the actual night of my birthday. I took myself out to a movie and shopping. It was very relaxing, very enjoyable. My brother and I had a mini-celebration on the actual day; he was so very sweet about the whole thing!

But because I was alone for most of it, it gave me a lot of time to think. Something that is standing out strongly is the fact that I am the age now that my husband was when he ended his life. That is just rocking my world to think about that.

I know he was sick. He made a horrible decision, and while the responsibility does lie on him, he was very sick in many ways. But even with that in mind, I cannot possibly imagine ending my life right now. There's just too much HOPE around me! I'm young, barely mid-twenties. I feel like I've just started my life, how on earth could I imagine ending it when I have so many dreams that can still be fulfilled? Shoot, I have dreams that haven't even been thought up yet!

God is working so much good in my life. We're dealing with my "stuff" so that I don't have to carry it around for the rest of my life. Life is too short to waste time toting around baggage. I don't want to hang on to it. I don't want to be wounded for the rest of my life. I see so many people that are choosing to not only keep their baggage, but are open to aquiring more and more. The thought terrifies me of carrying the past around with me for the rest of my life. I know that I can't erase anything in the past, no matter how much I may want to, but rather than just drag regrets around for the rest of my life, I would much rather deal with them here and now with the One that can redeem and restore.

Life is to live. I only get to be a mortal woman one time, and I don't want to waste it. This time is precious, and I long for God to use to in any way He wants.

God's call on my life

I've touched on this before through explaining the meaning behind the title of this blog, but I'd like to go into a little more detail for the moment.

I spent last weekend at a leadership training conference for Precepts Ministries International. God has been calling, leading and at times pushing me to work with this Ministry for the past year. I'm thrilled at the idea of supporting them and partnering with them, but working with them? It's not something I would naturally sign up for. But trying to be obedient, I registered for the training workshop. By the time I arrived, I was actually feeling very excited! I was spending 4 days with just God, and I was jazzed up for whatever He was going to teach me through the two days of classes.

The first day we dove into the Koine Greek in order to better understand the writings of the New Testament. You lose so much in the Greek to English translations, and doing some specific word studies can open your eyes to just what the author what trying to get across. The class was a blast! I learned so much, my peers were a delight, and the instructor was possibly the kindest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I went back to my hotel that night feeling fresh, edified, and encouraged! I woke up the next morning bouncing out the door ready for another day at a Spirit-filled desk.

I returned to the hotel that night in a rather different state from the night before. I was tired. Overwhelmed. Numb. But underneath the numbness, I uncovered a thick layer of fear.

Because as I sat there in that class, my eyes were opened to a fraction of the calling that God has placed on my life. I know very little about what He wants me to do, I have only been given pits and pieces, only the parts that I need to know right now. But what I have seen, to be honest, leaves me shaking in my flip-flops. I have been on the verge of tears for 5 days now, and I'm slowly beginning to understand why.

I'm afraid. No, I'm terrified. And I'm embarrassed. Ashamed, rather. I am not the girl for the job. I am not the one that He should call to do anything. If I am going to be candidly honest, which is something I'm committed to doing, no matter how difficult, I am the absolute worst person for the job. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not pretending to be humble. I am severely annoyed by hearing people claim to be less than they are in order to be viewed as humble or worse, to force compliments out of those around them. So please, do not misunderstand me for having that sort of a spirit.

God's calling on my life is scandalous. Do you hear me? SCANDALOUS. I have absolutely dragged His name through the mud in the pit of my sin. No one on this earth knows the complete truth about where my heart, my mind, and my person have been. I have been trapped in a pit of sin that was so overwhelming, I eventually stopped trying to claw my way out and finally admitted defeat and resigned myself to die there in that mud pit. It was at THAT point, the point where I threw up my hands in surrender and plopped myself down for the duration, the point where I stopped begging for freedom, stopped crying out for relief; the point where I thought I was giving myself over to sin, I was in fact surrendering my spirit, my essence to the hands of God. He reached down, took me from the pit and set me on a rock, looked me in my face and said "Good. Now we can get somewhere."

He had to get His hands muddy by touching me. The God of Creation, the King of all kings, the very One to which every knee will bow...is willing to risk His name on me. I am not pleased by that. I am not excited by that. I am not humbled by that. I am terrified by that.

Because I know what all He has rescued me from. Yes, He's rescued me. No, I'm not living with the mind I used to have. I face people every day that look at me, thinking they know the dirt on my life. You. Have. No. Idea. The little that you may know, the little that you may have witnessed or even experienced with me if you shared my pit for any moment in time -- that was simply a touch of an outward manifestation of the WRECK that was my mind. I was at any point in time at a combination of self-righteousness and self-hatred. Combine that with the fact that I had no idea what was truth and what was a lie, either told to me by others around me or told to me by my own heart, my own mind. Every time I thought I had fallen as far as there was to go, the ground would give way beneath me just one more time.

No human being will ever understand the depth of the hell that He saved me from.

And knowing that, knowing the good, the ugly, and the hideous of who I have been, what I have done, and what has been done to me, He looked through all of it, found Anna inside all of that garbage, and called me out to Him. You see, He saved me, He delivered me. But I had to choose, have to daily choose, to answer His call.

I'm afraid to at times. Now would be one of those times. I don't want to cause Him more pain. I don't want to be a bad representative for Him any longer. I'm afraid of Him looking at me one day and being sorry.

And more honesty -- I'm also afraid of the reaction of people when they find out that God has called me. There are those out there that would just love to kick up more mud onto me. And yes, I'd deserve it. But that's another decision that I have to make daily -- Am I following God or man? Will I let my shame rule me, or will I allow myself to be convicted of my righteousness.

I hope and pray that people will look at me and will look through the garbage in my past and be able to see not Anna, but a mighty God who can save any sinner, of which I am the worst! I pray that they will see me and they will not see my face, but they will see the face of redemption and restoration! I pray they will look at me, knowing the depth of the pit I was brought from and thank God that just as He has forgiven them for the sins in their past, He had enough to pass it on to me!

I'm not sure what all God wants for me or from me in my future. But I know this: even if He does nothing else for me for the rest of eternity, I will owe Him my life for what He has done in the past. I love Him more than I fear myself or others, so I will continue to choose to say "Yes" to His call and to step out into whatever He may put my way.

Please, if you are a supporter, pray for me; and if you are in disagreement, just keep going on your way and trust that God is just and will give me any treatment He knows I deserve, no matter what you or I may say. Thank you to both sides, and I truly love you all!

The Company I Keep

by Beth Moore

Let me be known by the company I keep
By the One who determines each day that I greet
From the moment I wake til He rocks me to sleep
Let me be known by the company I keep!

Let me be known by the company I keep
When the valleys are low and the mountains are steep
By the Ones who holds fast when swift waters are deep
Let me be known by the company I keep!

Let me be known by the company I keep!
By the One who implores me to sit at His feet
And quickens my soul to discern what is deep
Let me be known by the company I keep!

Let me be known by the company I keep
Eclipsed by Your presence that I may decrease
Til all you have chosen this traveler to meet
No longer see me but the Company I keep.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

A New Name

“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.” – Revelation 2:17

A new name. I’m working through a Bible study on the Patriarchs in Genesis. Today I was asked to look at the life of Jacob, at a story that I’ve heard since I was my daughter’s age. But today, I was asked to look at it afresh, as if I haven’t heard it all my life. Now, the leader said, let’s study it as adults.

Jacob knows he is about to encounter his brother, Esau, and it’s the first time since he double-crossed him. The last time the brothers saw each other, Esau vowed to kill Jacob. Understandably, Jacob is scared senseless. Well, maybe not completely senseless, but enough to rock his world, that’s for certain. He divides his family so that at least half will be able to escape as the other half is being murdered. Jacob then sends them ahead and he is left alone. While he is “entirely alone,” as my version says, he encounters a man, a stranger, who starts wrestling with him. They wrestle until daybreak when the man tells him to stop. Jacob demands that he will not let go until this man has blessed him. The man asks his name, and Jacob has to fess up. Jacob means deceiver, liar, thief. The man then, in turn, gives him a new name and in my eyes, a new hope.

Christ says in the passage above that if I overcome, I will receive a white stone with a new name written on it. The white stone was used in that culture that He is speaking to as a sign of acquittal in a court of law. Guilt absolutely wiped away.

As if receiving acquittal wasn’t enough, I am also promised a new name. What is my name? Who am I? When I say “I am Anna,” what does that mean? I know what it means in the dark corners. I know what it means in the areas that only God and I have seen. And it’s more than enough to make me hang my head in shame as I fess up to who I am.

In our culture, names don’t mean much other than serving as a way to identify people from each other. We don’t value the symbolism that the ancient cultures did. You WERE your name then.

I received a nickname a few years ago that has followed me ever since. A friend’s child was unable to say “Ms. Anna,” and rather dubbed me “Manna.” We all thought it was cute, and others started to pick it up. I’ve even used it as screen names for message boards and emails since. Now that I think of it, rarely does a day go by without someone referring to me as Manna.

About a year after I received that new name, I did a study on the life of Moses. It was just something I did privately, nothing fancy that you can buy in a bookstore. I smiled when I saw that the portion of Scripture concerning Manna was coming up. Manna was the bread that came from Heaven to feed God’s people while they were living in the wilderness. Sweet picture, right? That’s not what “Manna” means. Literally, the word manna means “What is it??” It was the ancient Hebrew version of our whatchamacallit. I looked at that, and I remember thinking that it suited me.

Anna. Manna. What is it?? What do we do with it?? Is it supposed to make sense?? Eh, no bother, we’ll just shrug our shoulders at it and see if it serves its purpose.

I’m not going to give up this struggle until You bless me.

Okay child, what is your name?

I am Manna. No sure identity, no certain purpose, no complete acceptance.

No, child, that is not your name. You are no longer Manna.

What would my new name be? What would your new name be? Revelation 2:17 says that it is a name known only to him who receives it. How does that thought strike you? Just between you and God. That intimacy, that secrecy. That affirmation. The next time someone called you by your old name, Jacob, Manna, your spirit shares a secret smile with God, knowing more than they know.

What would my new name be? A sure identity, a certain purpose, a complete acceptance, an everlasting hope. What would that new name be? What if He simply said,

“No, child, that is not your name. You are no longer Manna. You are…Mine.”

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” – Isaiah 49:16

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.” – Psalm 30:11-12

“Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:14-17