hey there, lonely girl

The other night I watched the movie "Must Love Dogs". Cute flick, really. It's about a divorcee whose family is constantly bugging her about why she isn't moving on into a new relationship. She begins dating again only for it to fail miserably, so now not only is she painfully aware that she is alone, but no one will shut up about it. It has a happy ending, of course, but one scene really stuck out to me. She is going to try out some matchmaker sites online and as she is considering it, you hear the old Eddie Holman song start up "Hey there, lonely girl."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=9sCEOsdGnKY
I'm sure it was supposed to be funny. I didn't laugh. It got me too close to home. There's something different about being married and then...not being married. For whatever reason, divorce, death, other crazy reasons...it's just surreal most of the time.
I'm reading a wonderful book by Angela Thomas called My Life as a Single Mom. I think that's the title, at least. She's a great author and has really touched me in the past through her writings. I got home last night and read a portion of her book before passing out, and it was all about the loneliness of a single mother. What she was saying hit the nail on the head.

Most people don't think that a single mom can be lonely. We're chasing after kids, driving all over town for one thing or another, running a household, and usually working part-time or full-time jobs (or both!). But Angela made a wonderful point in this chapter where she said that we're busy holding the universe, but it gets pretty lonely holding it all on our own.

She's right. You become very aware that you are, in fact, alone in this battle. I can't count the numer of times that I've wanted so desperately just to have someone to share their opinion on what to do in parenting, or in any other matter really. Right now I have a parenting situation laying pretty heavily on me, and I don't really have anyone to discuss it with. Sure, I can talk to my friends about it, but they don't have at much at stake as I do.

I have friends. Wonderful friends, really. I have a great church, a crazy but fun family, and a rather full life. But that doesn't mean that I don't get lonely. Is that okay? Is it okay to admit that I want the companionship that I was created for? I'm not going to go out there and grab the first guy that comes along, I'm going to wait for the one that God has for me. I'm not acting while I'm lonely, which I think is wise. But I'm just taking a step here to admit that I am, in fact...a lonely girl. =)

I have a trip coming up this weekend, tomorrow actually. I've had it planned for months and months now. I'm so looking forward to it. It's coming at just the right time. There have been so many changes lately, and I really haven't had time to adjust to all of it. I lost a relationship in the last couple of weeks. I didn't expect it to start, and I definitely didn't expect it to end. But you know what hurts almost worse than losing the actual relationship? Losing the dream that went with it. I had just started dreaming of the future again, and now that's gone. I'm settling back into my life as a lonely girl. =) That coupled with a whole host of things that have happened lately have left me pretty raw. But I've been too booked up to really deal with any of this. I am looking foward to whatever word God has for me from the speakers at the conference that I'm going to, but I'm also looking forward to the ride there! I will be on a charter bus for 7 hours each way, and I get to spend that entire time with my ipod, a book, my Bible, my journal, whatever I want.

But it occurred to me just a few minutes ago, that the thing I want to do most (beware, sissy moment approaching)...is cry. I haven't cried about any of this in weeks, and just letting myself cry sounds so nice. I'll try to not to make a scene, and I'm making myself a reminder right now to be wearing sunglasses and remember to bring makeup in my purse for a touch-up, but I think I'll give myself the freedom to do whatever I want.

I'll let ya know how the conference goes.